I wasn’t completely honest a couple months ago. When asked, “Aren’t you afraid,” I gave a pretty generic answer and played the whole “I’ve got it all together and I trust God” card.
Because to tell you what I was afraid of when we go would expose me—my deepest fear. Everyone has fears—even if you cannot even name them at the moment. Even if they are so hidden within you that you cannot allow yourself to put them into words.
And mine is this: what if I get over there and I lose it? What if I cannot hold it all together—whatever that means. I kept saying it to myself secretly—each time someone would ask if I was afraid. I would smile on the outside and say I wasn’t afraid of anything and my heart would sink inside, as I knew a part of me was desperately holding onto this fear.
Then, it happened. At the point of my deepest fear, Christ met me there. And through His Word, He spoke:
I held the Word in my hands and focused on those words glaring at me. I reread it. And again.
Christ is before all things, and in Him all things hold together.
And the tears came. Did you catch it? I will most certainly lose it at some point. I will fall. I will fail.
And He will already be there.
He has promised it. Why? Because He is in the past, His Spirit dwells inside of me, and He goes before me; He loves me and love does not abandon us. He has already gone before us to be able to handle and control all those things that will contribute to me losing it.
I will not hold it together. I will not be in control. He will.
He holds all things together. The Creator, the One Who knitted me together, the One Who saw me as a young child hiding away from the world, the One Who sought after me when He saw me at my most desperate hour, the One Who knows I long to be seen and understood more than anything in this world and fulfills that need, the One Who provides, the One Who calls, the One Who picked up my broken pieces when I shattered my life all around me and wove them back together into a glorious masterpiece, the One Who redeemed the picture I tore apart, the One Who authors my faith and my story to be connected to Him and His story, the One Who met me in the valley of darkness and led me back to Light, the One Who took me in His arms and held me when I wept over the mistakes of my past and reminded me that He remembered them no more, the One Who led me out of a place of shame and guilt into a new life He created for me, the One Who renews my mind when I forget, the One Who remembers to remember me, the One Who established the covenant with me with His own blood and offers me His active grace each and every moment of my life.
HE holds all things together—including me—especially when I lose it. And I must believe that. I must believe every single word that is from the One Who is sending us—because if I don’t, then what we are doing makes absolutely no sense. I must believe it because I cannot live by bread alone, but by every Word that comes from the mouth of God.
“The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still [silent].”
“Though my heart and my flesh may fail me; God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”
“So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.”
“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for You are with me. Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.”